The Expat Guide to Surviving Mumbai

As an expat’s needs multiply—an eyebrow wax from a French salon suddenly requiring medical intervention one day, a craving for Hindi movies or European bread the next—the expat has to refer to some kind of a printed guide (almost none of the services/shops here are on the internet). So here is where the Namaskar guide to Mumbai, specifically written by expats for expats, comes in. This is a useful yellow pages of doctors, stores, and other such practical information, as well as a treasure trove of advice for living. The latter comes in two forms: 1) post-colonial exuberance: The staff is so helpful! But do they have their shots? and, somewhat related, 2) playground-group-style alarmism: How do you manage to live here and avoid a communicable disease?

There are long and involved questionnaires for potential maids, cooks, drivers, etc. with items such as “What did you do when you broke something of your employer’s?” and “What is the first thing you do when you get to work?”

Then, you also find a sobering list of fairly common Indian medicines that are prohibited in the developed world, with the consequences they might cause next to them. Topping the list is analgin—incidentally, also a Russian pain relief staple—which apparently leads to “bone marrow depression” and other treatments for the common cold, giardia, etc.

For the now thoroughly scared expat, there is a detailed clinical list of the 4 stages of adapting to life in Mumbai, including:
1) the tourist/honeymoon stage, 2) the crisis stage: “You may feel homesick, irritable and even hostile toward those around you…try not to bottle up negative feelings,” 3) the flight stage: “you retreat into isolation and seek esacpe in books, TV, videos, email and the internet”—hmm, maybe we should rethink those Hindi movies—and, finally, 4) the period of readjustment. With a big sigh of relief, the expat now begins to feel at home—that is, if he or she avoids the bad medicines, properly defrosts the meat, checks the eggs for freshness religiously, and generally treads very carefully and says a little prayer before he/she goes.